alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
