Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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