I haven't been this sober since birth.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
