I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
its liver damage thursday
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