New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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