I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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