My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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