What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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