In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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