I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
