I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Small penises have feelings too.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
