i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
