Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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