I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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