in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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