If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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