somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
