Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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