So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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