Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
