i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There's always time for handjobs
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
