im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
