I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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