I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
