I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
