my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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