Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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