I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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