have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
