You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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