What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
