Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
