He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
