She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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