Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
