Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sober January is a disaster.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
not ubering you a puppy
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
