I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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