i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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