My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
