dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
