My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize