I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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