just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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