the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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