Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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