wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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