everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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