I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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