two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
