im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
