Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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