I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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