Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
