if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
