either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
