i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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