Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
