We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
