we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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